Humans are Friends, not Food
We are excited to celebrate Shark Week’s 31st anniversary with a new and exhilarating way to submerge ourselves into the underwater world.
Technology has flooded almost every aspect of human existence, and we are now able to tap into the minds of our planet’s wildlife as well. Discover Technology, a division of Discovery Channel dedicated to leveraging tech for sustainable wildlife preservation, has made a ground-breaking innovation in marine communication technology.
Today marks the first-ever interview with a real live shark. You heard me correctly binary and non-binary folks from around the globe, we are streaming to you live off the coast of Cape Town, South Africa, where we will dive below the surface to hear first-hand what it’s like to be one of these ominous sea creatures. We're not getting granular on how this all works, as naturally, it’s patent-protected, but I can assure you, no sharks were harmed in the making of this exclusive.
David Attenborough, who has been digitally recreated as a shark hologram, will be talking with Allen (not the sharkiest of names), a mid-twenties Great White.
David – take it away!
DAVID
Allen, it’s an absolute pleasure to have you here with us today. I understand it was a bit of a struggle to get someshark to speak with us today.
ALLEN
Thanks so much. Yes, there was some hesitation amongst my shiver given that humans really haven’t given us the best reputation over the years. I couldn’t resist the chance to finally share with you what the hell has been going on down here and set things straight.
DAVID
So, tell me a bit more about this less-than-kind reputation.
ALLEN
Come on Dave, don’t play silly bugger. You can’t tell me you haven’t seen Jaws, Open Water, The Shallows, Sharknado... You really have trashed our character onshore as mean, terrifying human eaters. I mean check out your CGI teeth – they are dripping with blood.
DAVID
Umm.. I’m sorry.. you mean to tell me.. us.. that you know about all these movies?
ALLEN
Not only do we know about them, but we have seen them. As a part of grade school, we watch these flics to scare the bejesus out of us at the thought of eating a human. To be honest, Sharknado we watched for a laugh after smoking a little dried seaweed. I mean come on, there is absolutely no educational content that can be pulled from a movie about a shark in a tornado.
DAVID
Right, right, right.
ALLEN
I seem to have thrown you for a bit of a loop here, Dave.
DAVID
Indeed you have Allen, indeed you have. As a natural historian, I am shocked to hear that sharks watch movies, attend in school, and are scared of eating humans.
ALLEN
Well, we aren’t idiots. Humans aren’t the only sophisticated life form in the universe. We don’t flaunt it and put the planet's wellbeing at risk like you do. Plus, you seem to get a bit uppity and trigger happy if your intelligence is threatened in any way.
DAVID
Of course not. I certainly didn’t mean to imply that. Why don’t you tell us a bit more about shark school?
ALLEN
You have your basic schooling subjects – shellematics, ocean sciences, shark history, nutrition guidelines, dental hygiene. But we also have developed an important coalition below water here with other ocean life organizations (Whales Worldwide, Crustaceans Against Butter, Dolphins Don’t Smile) based on our stereotypes in the Homosapien community. We study sea creature trends in modern media and have a rather long set of rules that we follow to keep us under the human radar.
DAVID
The human radar?
ALLEN
Each group has their own concerns (Free Willy, The Little Mermaid, Flipper should bring some grizzly memories to mind) and we work together to prevent the reinforcement of stereotypes humans have set upon us to avoid any more bad press. Not all media is good media for those of us lower in the food chain.
DAVID
Wow, it seems like a fair number of ocean creatures feel misunderstood.
ALLEN
Sharks, in particular, have it bad. We aren’t people eaters! Humans don’t taste great – you’ve got all your lotions and potions. I don’t know if you’ve ever tasted sunscreen Dave, but it’s like rubbing a toxic coconut on your tongue. Also, humans are a bit too chewy for our liking.
DAVID
There have been cases of sharks eating people…
ALLEN
There are more people per year killed by vending machines. Folks squashed like a sea cucumber under a sure-footed step in the ocean, desperate for that dangling Snickers bar. You are right though, every once in a while, there is a shark that strays. My friend Todd, a bit of a loose cannon really, had a rough upbringing with a vegetarian father. He acted out in rebellion one day and scarfed down a human. We all make mistakes here and there, especially in our younger years. These are only a couple of bad fish though.
DAVID
You make a fair point, everybeing has their slips. I’d like to give you an opportunity to tell us what sharks are really all about. Set things right as you say.
ALLEN
We eat fish, just like humans do. We don’t cheat by farming them in nets or onshore tanks, we work honestly for our food. Our fins don’t provide any medicinal benefits (trust me, we have conducted extensive studies), they simply help us to swim. That big toothy face you associate with pure evil, is us smiling and simply enjoying our day.
DAVID
There is one question that has been on my mind since I learned we were going to do this interview. What is in the deep dark depths of the ocean that we still have yet to discover?
ALLEN
Well our technology, schools, and organized shark society of course! Where else would we be watching all your movies, relaxing without the threat of the Jaws theme song, and developing our own technology to get rid of all that garbage you toss so carelessly into our home.
DAVID
Wow. I think I speak for all of us when I say that this was not at all what I was expecting. These gentle giants, who just happen to have very pointy teeth, have also charged themselves with cleaning up our oceans. Unfortunately, that's all the time we have today. I am sure this will not be the last we hear from you, Allen.
ALLEN
There is so much more I want to share. Talk to your people, as I see a fabulously narrated documentary in our future.
